You Are Dead To Me

Like a mirror to a person that cannot see
You are nothing to me
Your face
Your smile
The memories of happy moments we had
i’ll delete, discard and I’ll discipline my mind to shut thoughts of you out.

I thought loving someone means you will always be there for them
You are never here when I need you and when you come around your mind is somewhere else.

The only way I can get you to talk is to start a fight.

I only feel your presence when we argue and hurl insults back and forth.

The only time you touch me is when you kick, slap or punch me.

You are dead to me
I will no longer acknowledge your existence
This way I’m immune to anything you do
And unmoved by those things you don’t do.

You are dead to me
I am finally free
And this is the last time you will hear from me.

How Does Love Make You Feel?

“Love is like a ‘fart’ if you have to force it then it’s probably ‘shit”……Unknown

I asked a friend who was bombarding my BBM Feeds with his PDA (Public Display Of Affection) some weeks back, what being in love feels like to him and he laughed,probably because the question was ‘weird’.

But I’m curious, how does being in love feel? I have had my share of relationships, but it seems like the expiration of the relationship comes with amnesia; I forget all the things i felt, sometimes why i felt them. Can i get an amen?

*singing* it must have been love, but its over now…… 🙁

To be sincere, I used the word ‘i love you’ quickly.  I enjoyed the companionship, and occasionally the idea that I had someone whom I had a right to disturb, complain to/nag , pour out my frustration and sometimes worry on. However, I didn’t accept the responsibility, commitment and sacrifices that accompanied it.

Back to my question, what does love really feel like? What emotions or actions identify with loving someone? I don’t mean the popular, cheap, adulterated versions of love we see these days. I mean the ‘I want to spend the rest of my life with you’, ‘you are my one and only’, ‘I want you to be the mother/father of my children’, ‘ till death do us part’, ‘the real deal’.

So i asked a couple of people ‘in love’ how love feels like to them,and I got the following responses.

*inserts mushy bbm smileys*, i can’t explain.

“love is everlasting”.  Le deep. -__-

Love feels like everything is going to be alright.

Love is submissive and puts the interest of another first. It is the willingness to gives and  to displease yourself to please your partner.

There is no one universal emotions attached to love, it is different for everyone. But for me there is a sense of peace in your heart .Another thing is that you have a sense of assurance that, whatever happens this person is down for me.

It feels like patient, joy, long-suffering, gentleness, tolerance, submission.

Love feels like its unconditional.

Needless to say, these people confused me more, I was expecting some, butterflies in my tummy, doing me tinini tanana, I can’t sleep at night, I see you in my dreams responses.

However I have learnt a few things;

1. Love is not just what you say but the things you do.

2. Love is the same but the expression is different for everyone. My love may only be able to afford shop 10 rice(a cafetaria in the University Of Lagos,Nigeria) for now while yours maybe able to afford The Place rice and asun(a restaurant in Lagos, Nigeria).

Money should never be equated to love, love transcends material things but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give what you can afford.

My love may be able to write a poem or sing, while yours can download the song and use it as ringtone.Lol

I am not saying ‘settle’ for less than you think you deserve but don’t compare someone’s ‘extravagant’  display of love as your own lack thereof.

2. There is someone for everyone. See how Isaac and Rebecca clicked even without seeing? She met a need,she did what other ladies didn’t know/over looked because God chose her for him.  Perhaps the reason you can’t ‘feel it’ is because that person isn’t yours.

If you are single and ‘waiting’ (not searching) like me,know this; love won’t come with any special marks, or designs or some entirely new feeling that you won’t be able to control yourself, forget Romeo and Juliet, it’s the figment of someone’s imagination.

It could be peace, it could be an assurance, it could be like you have  known the person all your life, it could feel like good friendship, or someone who is the complete opposite but you blend well.

You know how white rice and stew is great and delicious on its own, but Jollof rice is just perfect?!! If you are with that person it feels like JOLLOF.

Remember, you COMPLEMENT not COMPLETE each other, you are complete only in CHRIST.

1st Corinthians 13:1-8. Comes to mind, and only Him who has received God’s unconditional love can love another person genuinely.

Letters

Dear Mary

How are you and how are things going?

Can you please not give me the cliché  ‘I’m fine’ response you give everyone. I want you to know its okay not to be fine, so tell me, how are you?

You claim to have moved on and let go of the past, but I perceive from your words that the past still hurts you, and in addition, your past now defines the present you. You have refrained from any form of interaction with anyone, you are always not in the mood for talk, going out, anything.

Yes I know he hurt you, he made promises and he broke them, I know you trusted him, you gave him your body, you bared your mind and soul, but he left you exposed. I know he broke you, he met you whole but when he left, the whole was shattered into pieces unrecognizable.

However, its been over a year, i know some wounds are deep and they take long to get healed. But you can’t keep holding on to the past, you can’t keep pushing everyone away, you can’t remain under, you need to breathe.

First I need you to understand that everything that happened wasn’t your fault, I know that you blame yourself for trusting him, for being vulnerable, but love makes us do these things, you can’t blame yourself for falling in love, and trusting him.It’s not your fault that he left, it was his decision.

Secondly, have you ever considered that maybe he is hurting too? He could have been confused and scared. I know the next question will be why didn’t he say so? Why did he have to walk away?. Mary, there is something about men and their ego, its their pride and sometimes they let it get into their head. He would rather have you hate him than accept that he couldn’t cope, couldn’t stand the ‘pressure’,  he was afraid of failing.

I am not justifying his actions, all I am saying is, he is flawed, he is human, he is not the superman he portrays to people.

Thirdly, Mary you need to forgive him, not for him but for yourself. I am not saying you should forget all that he did, but you need to forgive him so you can be free, let go of the bitterness,anger and hatred. It’s not worth it, if he couldn’t stay it means he wasn’t strong enough for you.

Mary, forgiveness doesn’t mean you start talking to him, far from it, you both need the distance.

Forgiving him and moving on doesn’t mean you jump into the arms of the next available man, it will only make you feel better momentarily.

Forgiveness is not instantaneous, it’s a process, take your time. Most importantly ask God for help, trust me He listens, ask him to heal you, strengthen you, to hold you, to help you in every way. Cry if you want to, shout if you want to. He cares about the sparrows, the trees, and everything around, how much more you, the apple of His eyes, the reason He sent His son to die. Let Him be your Lover.

I love you M, please stay in touch.

This Long Distance Is Killing Me

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My chocomilo,
I don’t think I can take it anymore. Yes I know you say I’m strong, and I know I always chant “I am titanium”.But every time I listen to this song I can’t stop crying. I just can’t.

There’s only so many songs that I can sing to pass the time.
I know we agreed not to pay too much attention to some songs so we can both stay strong. But these days even during praise in church, I still think of you, I know its wrong but I can’t help it.

And I’m running out of things to do to get you out of my mind.
I go to school, fellowship, choir practice and work part-time as a photographer, I’m keeping busy, but it’s not enough to keep me from thinking about you.

All I have are pictures of you
Do you know we don’t have enough pictures of us together.?.The last time you came, you could only stay for a week and we were so happy just being together, and spending enough time with each other, we didn’t take enough pictures. 🙁

And the minutes feel like hours and the hours feel like days while you are away.
   Nkemdinobi, do you know its been so long I have lost track of time?. I remember when it was 2 months, 5 days and 13 hours, now all I know is that its been too long, I miss you so much.

And I know right now you can’t be home
You have to work, finish school and then get a better job and make money. You want me to be comfortable and never lack anything. You want our future children to have everything.

With you is where I’d rather be but we stuck where we are, it’s so hard, it’s so far.
Obimo, I want to hold your hands, I want to take a walk with you, I want to watch arsenal play with you, I want to read with you, I want to take pictures of you smiling and giggling like a 4-year-old when I tickle you.

I wish that you were here with me
In Chime Avenue,New Haven, Enugu State, Nigeria and not in Holloway, London, England.

This long distance is killing me.

“Long distance relationship..if you’re in one, you can tell that you both are so close, yet so far..
Basically, a long distance relationship is not one you ‘planned’ to get into.. I mean, It’s not like you just decided one day that you must be in a relationship with someone who is miles or in fact oceans away/apart from you. It just happens..and of course love happens so you wanna make it work..
You see them not so often and when you’re with them you find yourself already calculating how soon/when you’ll get to see them again. You realise that you spend so much time alone and so little time with the person…It has its hard times but truth is distance means so little when someone means so much because love knows no distance
You just keep it going.., hoping that in the future, when distance isn’t in the way, having known the pain of being apart you’ll live each day together, valuing and appreciating all the time you have and being grateful for having made it through” 
   Tolulope Ademakin

Dedicated to those in long distance relationships. Stay strong, don’t give up.