I feel inadequate

I feel like an underachiever
I don’t have much to my name
Everybody else got grind and game
All I have is regret and shame

I feel like I have no dream
Life and living is so hard they die or dim
When you are constantly wearied by adversity
You will do anything to escape reality

I feel like the weight of the world is on me
I pray but God seems busy with his own plans
The things I really want, I never get
Can’t celebrate the little success because it’s always short-lived.

I feel like a loser
Always the girl by the side and not by his side
Friend, side chick, secret lover are the locations I have been
And they always end up choosing another over me

I feel like I’m constantly on the ground
Swept to the side and I always ‘carry last’
To succeed at something I have to do it more than once
The things others get freely I have to fight for

It would feel really good to have something work for me
To have no worries, to thrive and flourish
To hope, to dream, to be complete, and to be fulfilled……

Believe me, I wrote this on a certain day this year. The feeling was so heavy in my heart I couldn’t shake it off. It took all the energy in me to talk to a friend and thank God I did.

One of the things he did was to pump words into me. Not flattery, or ‘whining’ but the true state of things. He brought to light the things I had working for me, even something as ludicrous as my Edo name lol. He told me to ‘count my blessings’ instead of crying over the things I don’t have.

After a long conversation, I felt better and I was able to pray.

I learnt a few things from this experience.

Life isn’t rosy for anyone, even the people we look at to measure ourselves have their own share of misfortunes. It’s not consolation its a fact. We all have struggles, and life is full of challenges.

Everyone has at least one good thing working for them, you just have to LEARN to FOCUS on that.

If you are a christian, you know that God is never not interested in us, or too busy for us. He loves us so much, any contrary feeling/thinking is a lie from the adversary.

We need like a truck load of faith, God kind of faith everyday, to receive and activate all what God has written concerning us. As Christians, we believe and confess even without seeing.

If someone tells you they are feeling a certain way, don’t start by just quoting scriptures and throwing it at them or telling them to ‘get over it’. Listen first, be positive and try to reassure them. When you notice a change in attitude, pray with them and subsequently give them the scriptures. Understand that while some people are ‘deep and spiritually up there’ some of us still struggle with some ‘basics’… This is a someone’s sub. Lol

If you don’t like a situation, do something positive about it if you can, if you can’t, trust God and let him help you deal with it, His own way and at His own time.

What else do you think can help anyone feeling this way? Please share your experience if you have ever been in this ‘phase’ and how you came out of it…

Do it Now

Have you ever had an inspiration to do something, or had a great idea and then you tell yourself “I’ll do it later” and then ‘later’ comes and you shove it aside again and again?.

It’s the major reason I haven’t posted anything in a while. I’ll be inspired to write something, I’ll give it a title, then I’ll tell myself that I will continue later, without even penning the idea down, I will tell myself it’s in my head, that I have made a mental note of it. By the time I am now ‘ready’ to continue, the original idea or inspiration I had would have disappeared, and I wouldn’t be able to produce it as I originally imagined before.

Often times too, we push issues aside instead of dealing with them when they occur, we feel it’s a small thing, we can handle it. Sometimes we indulge in frivolous things , we do things a little too much and tell ourselves “it’s okay”, “you are still in control”, “you can stop when you want to”. The truth is we may still be in control, but the more we do them, the more the thing or activity gains control over us.

In conclusion I am saying, DON’T PROCRASTINATE . Do whatever productive thing you need to do NOW, not later but NOW. If you are busy and you can’t do it , don’t just make a mental note, write everything down, tell a friend that will hold you accountable, set a reminder on your phone, and as soon as you are reminded, don’t reschedule it, do everything within your power to do it promptly.

For this week, I will be sharing some of my personal ‘battles’ that I’m currently dealing with by the conviction of the Holy Spirit as a result of prayers and diverse trials and temptations.

I do not write as one who has gained mastery of them, or who has superior knowledge. I hope that by sharing, I will get even more help from everyone that reads, and I may also help another person reading. So see you tomorrow.

I’ll be fine

I saw him today, arms happily wrapped around her
Grinning from ear to ear
They seem to always have something to talk about
They didn’t even notice when I passed.
But don’t worry I’ll be fine

She updated her bbm status today
‘Happy birthday to a very special person’
the one that gets me, you’re my shining light’
Has she forgotten I’m a contact on that BBM?
Does she remember we broke up 66 days ago?
How can she so easily move on.
I am a man and a man never breaks down
I know i’ll be fine.

My husband would have been forty years old today.
I laugh as I remember something he said a while back.
He said when he clocks 40, he will get a tattoo of my face carved on his chest
where his heart is because that’s where I’ll always be
No fortieth celebration, no tattoo, no heart that beats.
I’ll just drown myself in liquor till I sleep, maybe I’ll dream of him.
Go to bed with the one you love today, hold them close
Don’t worry about me I’ll be fine

I’ll smile through the pain
The disappointment and heartbreak
I am a master of my emotions
I’ll dictate what I feel
And when to feel it.

I’ll hug both of them when next we see so they will know I’m happy for them.

I’d tell her congrats, send my warm regards to your ‘lighter’
So she will know i wish her well

I’ll call the Pastor and have thanksgiving in church on sunday
For keeping the family since the demise of my husband

No one needs to know I drink myself to sleep every night
No one needs to know I cry every night when memories fall like rain

No one needs to know when I see them together, I’m 100 percent jealous
No one needs to know about the head aches,
The fiery overwhelming loneliness
That cuddles me so tight that it almost chokes

No one needs to know I long for things to be different.
But don’t worry, I don’t know when or how
But I know I’LL BE FINE.

OneWord

Happy new year people. And I’m sure its back to work/school for most of us. (Some of us are back to doing nothing. Sigh). Anyways, I was browsing through bible plans on my You version bible application and i stumbled on this devotional plan – one word.

  The idea of one word is focusing on one word, to guide us all through the year. Instead of resolutions, or a long list of things to do or not to do, its teaches about sticking to one word, not a sentence just a word. Of course you would have to prayerfully seek for the word.

To learn more please visit www.getoneword.com

Stay Blessed.

Its A Wrap

Wooow its the last day in the year 2015!!!! Adonbilivit….. I had a song in my head that flew out just as I started typing. It’s a nice song sha. So imagine yourself singing a nice song as you read this line.

A lot happened this year, I finished from the faculty of law, University of Lagos. My greatest testimony was my project, it wasn’t funny at all, from changing topics to missing deadlines, somehow I scaled through.

By Him I walk through a troop, by my God I leap over a wall.

P.S If Dr Akaayar is by any chance reading this, God bless you sir.

In 2015, i made new friends, and sustained old ones.  I lost some too. Losing some hurt, some I was glad they went. It can be sad seeing pictures of someone you used to be close to, and you wonder where it all went wrong or try to figure out at what point you were a bad friend. But life keeps moving, so you have to move too, I learnt that it is important to let go and forgive, even when its the last thing you want to do.

Ever feel like every wrong thing always happens to you? Sometimes I wish things were different, I mean is it a crime to be born and live without hassles? Sigh. I learnt, I am learning (I think this is a life time lesson), life is full of challenges, at some point in life everyone must confront an uncomfortable situation.

I thought I’d be in Nigerian Law School Abuja at the latter part of the year, with my buddy Dolapo, we will be seat partners, I’ll taste frozen yoghurt that Tolu keeps talking about, I’ll watch football in Lovitoz, i’ll whine Gamaliel to buy me dinner every night. Lol ( this girl can dream) but it didn’t happen and it was sad and painful.

I learnt however that these things happen, and more than ever i know in whom my confidence lies, and He will always be there, nothing moves Him. Uncle Kenny Kore captures everything in these words:
“I’ve learnt to abound and abase, happiness keeps me sweet, trials make me strong, sorrows keeps me human, failure makes me humble, success keeps me glowing, and GOD keeps me going.

It can be really hard, accepting some things. I however came to a conclusion that I strongly believe, it’s officially my new motto:  ‘God’s got me yesterday, today and forever’ no matter what may come my way.

In 2015 I learnt that even in the midst of so many things happening around me, peace is the sign, peace is my strength, peace is my answer. If my heart is in turmoil, if I am not settled about anything,  I have learnt to let it go quick!! If I delay I just cause myself unnecessary hurt and head ache.

I learnt to accept myself for who I am, my personality, my sensitive, sort of reserved, sometimes self-absorbed, over-thinking self. I invested in myself, spoilt myself, did the things I enjoyed generally.

This year I started reading books by Nigerian authors and I have been addicted till date. There is something familiar and homely about reading a Nigerian fiction, the names, the Nigerian setting, and the infusion of our local dialect, Nigeria is truly blessed .

In 2016 I pray for the wisdom of God to make quality decisions, to know which way to go but most importantly, to let Him lead and direct me. I also have plans to develop and add value to myself and to impact others positively.

Cheers to a wonderful 2016. I hope and pray all your dreams come through, I pray that you will experience joy like never before. I pray that God will do great and mighty things in your life that you will testify about.

Happy new year.