I’ll be fine

I saw him today, arms happily wrapped around her
Grinning from ear to ear
They seem to always have something to talk about
They didn’t even notice when I passed.
But don’t worry I’ll be fine

She updated her bbm status today
‘Happy birthday to a very special person’
the one that gets me, you’re my shining light’
Has she forgotten I’m a contact on that BBM?
Does she remember we broke up 66 days ago?
How can she so easily move on.
I am a man and a man never breaks down
I know i’ll be fine.

My husband would have been forty years old today.
I laugh as I remember something he said a while back.
He said when he clocks 40, he will get a tattoo of my face carved on his chest
where his heart is because that’s where I’ll always be
No fortieth celebration, no tattoo, no heart that beats.
I’ll just drown myself in liquor till I sleep, maybe I’ll dream of him.
Go to bed with the one you love today, hold them close
Don’t worry about me I’ll be fine

I’ll smile through the pain
The disappointment and heartbreak
I am a master of my emotions
I’ll dictate what I feel
And when to feel it.

I’ll hug both of them when next we see so they will know I’m happy for them.

I’d tell her congrats, send my warm regards to your ‘lighter’
So she will know i wish her well

I’ll call the Pastor and have thanksgiving in church on sunday
For keeping the family since the demise of my husband

No one needs to know I drink myself to sleep every night
No one needs to know I cry every night when memories fall like rain

No one needs to know when I see them together, I’m 100 percent jealous
No one needs to know about the head aches,
The fiery overwhelming loneliness
That cuddles me so tight that it almost chokes

No one needs to know I long for things to be different.
But don’t worry, I don’t know when or how
But I know I’LL BE FINE.

Some Days

Some days are tough. You question everything, you doubt everything, and you fear everything.

Some days you just can’t fathom why things are the way they are and you don’t even know if things will get better.

Some days you lose hope, you lose hope in yourself, you lose hope in what you were once certain of, and you lose hope in what you were looking forward to.

Some days you just break down and cry, some emotions are too heavy for words to carry, some things hurt so much you bleed in tears, so you let the tears fall like rain.

Some days you feel like your mind is about to explode, you know what the word of God says but it seems like it’s for others and not you, the advice you give people applies to them but not you, the prayers you pray for people, you can’t pray for yourself.

Some days you wish you could see the future, maybe you will be more relaxed, maybe you won’t have days like this, maybe there will be no need to write this.

Some days you wish you had all the answers. You wish God will chat you up and tell you everything you need to know.

On days like this you don’t get the exact answers you seek, but you do get something called ASSURANCE: He knows, and a nudge that is called TRUST:He will bring it to pass.

It is not going to be easy, but it will always be the right thing to do, and the first step is to take it one day at a time knowing He is with us and never leaving us, whether we feel it or not.

So we pray for grace to trust Him more. We won’t always have life figured out, but we can trust Him who has life in His hands, trust that He knows more than us, trust that He knows what is good for us, trust that He will direct us, trust that every good and perfect gift comes from Him, trust that He has a time for everything…

And if we get weary, or the cares of life causes us to make a detour, we can at any point always run to the throne of grace, for strength, for grace, for encouragement, for rest, for a reminder….

”I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust”. Mother Teresa

‘Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,

Just to take Him at His Word

Just to rest upon His promise,

Just to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”………

It’s A Wrap (2017)

I’m counting my blessings

I just can’t keep it to myself

Just when I thought that He had done too much

Oh oh oh Jesus did it again.

What a year it has been. What a journey it has been. I won’t even lie, its been an AWESOME year. It feels good to smile, it feels good to be genuinely happy.

Following my sister’s cue, I’ll summarize my highlights of the year and lessons learnt in 17 points.

1. This year I experienced God like never before. Nathaniel Bassey said in the song Onise iyanu, ‘I have tasted of your power‘ well that line was so real to me this year. Indeed I tasted and saw that the Lord is good. I called and He answered, I asked and I received. Even when it felt like I was going to be overwhelmed , He showed up. See ehn this Jesus is sweet, follow Him o, forget all these other things we chase after!! He is the real deal!!

I am not saying it will be a smooth journey all the way, but I can assure you that even when the ride gets bumpy, it will still be the best ride of your life. You don’t want to go on this journey of life all by yourself,

2. This year I learnt about knowing the will of God and aligning myself with it. So many times we just want things, we have never bothered to ask ‘God what are you saying, what do you want me to do? We just go about having plans, strategizing and dreaming. I learnt that the first thing we should do about any dream or plan we have is to ask God, ‘what sayeth thou about this situation’? what do I do and how do you want me to go about it. This process of asking what is God’s will, that is where the Labour is. We have to sacrifice time to pray, fast and study the bible. Also we have to be in tune with the spirit, confessing and meditating scriptures , worshiping and rejoicing until we get clarity.

Even after we know or think we know what God is saying, there is the place of stepping out boldly in Faith and there is a place of waiting, and these two things require continuous fellowship with God.

See God is not the man we run to when we need something we can’t do for ourselves, God is the one we need and go to first before anything. Our whole existence depends on Him, and much more than that he strives to be our friend , to be close to us. God needs us as much as we need Him.

I don’t get the whole answer all the time, it’s still a learning process for me, sometimes I’m impatient, sometimes I’m stubborn, most times I still look out for human confirmation.

In all this I have had to learn about the person of the Holy spirit and how to hear him. The conclusion of the matter is it works.

3. I was called to the largest bar in Africa

This was the highlight of my year. My people to be congratulated is sweet o Kai!!! To pray, work hard and see your prayers answered is the most satisfying thing in life. In my 2016 wrap I declared 2017 as the year of wig and gown, and it came to pass.

My journey to becoming a lawyer is a long one, and the testimony is interesting because I went through so much to get here. My story is  filled with so much tears and disappointments but the conclusion of the matter is I made it.

So in the year of Our Lord 2017, the year of New things, the year of pleasant surprises and the year of my case is different, I passed the bar exam and was called to the Nigerian bar, 10 years after I finished secondary school. See ehn, giving up was never an option I considered, it didn’t even cross my mind, that was why I despised every shame, like Jesus Christ and was focused on one thing, and eventually it happened.

3. In 2017,  I got tired of ‘churching’ you know the act of going to church every Sunday and doing the same thing you do every Sunday. I just wasn’t ‘having’ it anymore. Church became a routine and I was fed up, there was no joy. I also became tired of the place I called home. I just wanted to live somewhere else.

So I joined the online church gang. One time I listened to three different pastors all in a day. 😂  It was fun, variety like they say is the spice of life. I’m gradually finding my footing though. At least now I know what was missing and I know how to fix it.

4.  I learnt not to look down on people.

5. I learnt to discipline myself and control the way I crush and catch feelings, or at least tune down the intensity and wait, in waiting a lot is revealed.

6. I  learnt that sometimes you can pray about a relationship and God will give a go ahead, it still takes two people who want the relationship to work out for it to work out. Don’t say because God said yes and then the guy or lady is not making any effort, and you stay there. Don’t also push aside your valid feelings or so should I say innermost convictions about a person no matter the pressure.

7.  I also learnt that you haven’t lost anything if you love someone and then things don’t work out or the person messes up and you part ways. Love is never a wasted effort, at least you learnt how to love someone other than yourself.

8.I learnt that growth has its pains. Growth is never comfortable. And the way to maintain growth is to be consistent. Keep practising the new things you have learnt before you forget them.

9. I’m grateful to God for my family. My siblings are the best!!! And for the additions we had, two nieces (twin girls)

10. I learnt that loneliness does not kill. 😂😂. It can make you depressed though, so you have to find a way to at least enjoy yourself.

I realize I don’t even have up to 17 points. Oh well like they say, less is more.

2018 will be lit!! Things will be birthed and we will feed them and watch them grow!!! 2018 is the year of Achieving, DOING and Stepping out boldly in Faith, we have prepared for too long, it’s time to MOVE!! GBERAA!! It’s time to give back, it’s time to do what God has called us to do, without holding back even if no one acknowledges us.

It is the year of taking every opportunity, that comes our way, take that course, get that certification, learn that skill, achieve the fit fam goals, the make up goals, we keep trying and trying till we get it (those eyebrows must be on a consistent fleek, in fact I’ll even be able to fleek it for others!! Hahaha

It is the year of following God all the way, no detour, ‘no I’m sorry Lord please bring me back’ obedience all the way, not by power or might though, God is at work in me but to Will and to do of His good pleasures. It is also the year of bringing every friend, family, lovers and fans lol along to know this God for themselves. We can’t be enjoying God alone.

It is the year of strategic positioning and deployment to meet the bae. Either the bae jams me or I jam him, there must be a jamming.😂😂😂.

However we know better though, we will not date anyhow or marry anyhow. We will not just try and see it how it goes, we work with a knowing that God gives His children His best, and we believe we shall receive that best.

In 2018, be determined, trust God more, He is the only one that has all things figured out. I pray you have the 2018 you desire.Amen.

Its A Wrap-2016

You made a way, when our backs were against the wall, and it looked as if it was over.
You made a way, and we’re standing here only because You made a way.

Wow!!! I cannot believe it’s the last day in the year 2016 and I made it!! We made it!!!

Onise iyanu, You’re the God of awesome wonders, I have tasted of your power!!! Onise iyanu, you have shown me so much mercy, much more than I deserve.

All I have in my heart is GRATITUDE. I want to be sad but I can’t, God has been so good.

2016 was a tough year!! I started the year unhappy. My friends had proceeded to the Nigerian  Law School and they were all occupied, I felt like my life was on a standstill and God couldn’t be bothered about it,like He had other things in the world to think about and I was inconsequential. I blamed UNILAG, blamed Faculty of law, blamed myself, until I ran out of who and what to blame. Reality starred me in the face and  I decided to ‘woman up’ and take things as it is, perhaps this was my ‘destiny’.

However sometime around the end of the first quarter, I don’t know how but my perspective changed, I began to accept that sometimes some things happen and even though it seems like God didn’t do anything about it, His fingerprints is all over it.  The whole ‘it’s my destiny thing’ was a lie from the enemy, because the bible says ‘His thoughts towards me are thoughts of GOOD and not of EVIL’. God has never lost control to the devil at any time, so yes I was delayed due to negligence on my part and that of the school but the event that looked like the worst thing to ever happen to me, God had intentions to bring beauty out of it.

All things are working for my good, its intentional, never failing.

Does it mean God is a partial God? No. I thank God for every obstacle I have faced, He could have turned it around but He decided that He will use it to turn me around. His plan is so great, that little detour as painful as it is cannot halt His great plan.

In 2016, I suffered loss, unexpected loss that shook me and my family. My friend also suffered same. I wouldn’t want to go into much details about that but all I can say is ‘God fills every void, and He has been doing that in ways we couldn’t have  imagined. I think about everything and I smile and thank God that this person was a part of my life and his impact was felt and I appreciate God for that.

In 2016 love didn’t come my way. 🙈🙈. I searched all over I couldn’t find it (as if it was a lost treasure). I tried to push some people to love me by force, I ended up hurting myself. I moved from desperate, to complacent, to anxious, and now  I have gotten to the point that I’m not worried anymore, I think about it but I’m not worried.  it’s a FAITH walk, I don’t know how its gonna happen but I know it will.

All I pray is for strength to hold on to God and His word and His plans for me, when people come with their ‘discouraging, hurting words’ disguised as honest questions and prayer points. I know they have good intentions, but people need to chill with the  ‘husband prayer’. It mostly just mounts undue pressure on someone.  Pray instead that I achieve all the dreams God has put inside of me, that I make impact and affect lives, pray for money yes!!. 😀🙈

Towards the end of 2016 I resumed in Nigerian law School, Yenagoa, Bayelsa. Although I resumed with so much fear and worry, it’s been beautiful so far so good, made new friends, learning new things, and yes it feels good to live outside Lagos for once. Most importantly, I am so confident I am where God wants me to be.

Hello 2017!!! My year of new things!!! My year of wig and gown, my year of supernatural influence and international presence, my year of productivity and outstanding results!! I am so excited. I don’t know how but I know great things will happen for me and my family in 2017.

I intend to seek God more, I want all of Him until I can boldly say JESUS IS ENOUGH, I am not holding on to any friend or thing more than I am holding on to God and His word. I pray that I will grow in faith, I pray that my first book will finally graduate from dry bones to fleshy meat.

I know challenges will come, I know trials will come, but none of them is big enough to move me out of God, I am rooted in Him, I am hidden in Him, there is no self-sustaining  Rachel Ifeyinwa Omome Azuka, I am only sufficient through His sufficiency. I hold on to Him, I depend on Him, I rest. Shikena

In 2017, I will guard my heart with all diligence, I will build up walls not with people or things or negativity, but with values and standards, I will be flexible yet firm, too much is at stake for me to just live anyhow. And I am doing all these not by my power, or strength but through Him that strengthens me.

See you in 2017. I don’t know if I’ll be blogging much until bar finals are over. However I’ll be on instagram and I’ll try to put up short write ups as the spirit leads. 😁

I’ll see you by the grace of God in 2018. I pray that you have a meaningful 2017.

Thanks for reading.

You Are Dead To Me

Like a mirror to a person that cannot see
You are nothing to me
Your face
Your smile
The memories of happy moments we had
i’ll delete, discard and I’ll discipline my mind to shut thoughts of you out.

I thought loving someone means you will always be there for them
You are never here when I need you and when you come around your mind is somewhere else.

The only way I can get you to talk is to start a fight.

I only feel your presence when we argue and hurl insults back and forth.

The only time you touch me is when you kick, slap or punch me.

You are dead to me
I will no longer acknowledge your existence
This way I’m immune to anything you do
And unmoved by those things you don’t do.

You are dead to me
I am finally free
And this is the last time you will hear from me.

Gravity

IMG_20160406_063351

Someone was at my door and won’t stop knocking.
The knock, gentle but with a sense of urgency.
So I, wanting to put an end to the disturbance opened the door and let the person in….

I like what I see. He talks, I listen, I laugh, I let the emotions linger and carry me, till I am floating.
And before I know it I am already in cloud nine.
The rush, the thrill, the curiosity to know if there is more
keeps me afloat, but falling becomes attractive
I am falling and I am not thinking.
I am feeling and happy, in falling.

Suddenly with the force of gravity,
I feel myself crashing
Not knowing if I’ll be caught, or what I’ll land on.

I land in a beautiful but unfamiliar place with bruises all over.
I turn and see him beside me with injuries like mine and I just know I’ll be fine.